By Megan Squibb Ream, LMSW
11/15/2024
What kind of relationship do you want with your child?
Parenting is hard. Even with the best intentions, we all have moments we wish we could do over—especially when our child is upset, dysregulated, or when we are not at our best. If you have ever walked away from an argument thinking, “That didn’t go how I wanted,” you are not alone. Conflict is part of every close relationship, and it does not mean you are failing—it means you are human. What matters most is not being perfect but knowing how to repair. In fact, research tells us that making mistakes—and then repairing them—can deepen connection and build resilience in your child.
The ability to repair and reconnect is a critical part of building a secure attachment, which serves as a powerful protective factor in your child’s emotional and relational development. Attachment theory tells us that children who are securely attached to their parents experience fewer internalizing (i.e., depression and anxiety) and externalizing behaviors (i.e., acting out), have higher self-esteem, perform better at school and work, and engage in less substance use. Securely attached kids have a better chance of going on to thrive individually and in their future relationships. There is an overwhelming amount of data on this topic, and it is hard to dispute.
While having a compliant child can feel easier in the moment, what matters most in the long run is true connection—one where they feel excited to tell you the good stuff and trust you enough to be honest about the hard stuff. They make time to call you, share their hopes and dreams, and look to you for advice. Even after they become independent, they prioritize spending time with you because you matter to them a lot.
Parents who learn to go back and repair or accept their role in conflict can create profound positive effects on their child’s emotional growth and development. Parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and author of Good Inside, tells us that repair is the single most critical parenting skill. Why? Parent-child conflict often results in negative messages to a child about how you see them (such as “bad” or “unlovable”), and left unchecked, those messages can be internalized as true—potentially leading to poor self-esteem. In the wake of conflict, if you take responsibility and verbally acknowledge the reality of their experience, you are sending a clear message that a mistake was made, their needs are important, and you see them as a priority. You can help replace their negative internal dialogue with a positive one.
In a secure relationship, the act of repair leads to a physiologic cascade of happy chemicals that increase positive feelings in your child, helping to build trust, connection, and deeper attachment. Despite the stress often involved in these moments, choosing to model healthy conflict resolution teaches your child that difficulty can be worked through—and overcome. Over time, they will learn to trust that this process will consistently occur, feel less stressed when conflicts arise, and practice healthy conflict resolution skills themselves.
This is your reminder to prioritize being present and available for your kids. Put down your phone and really listen when they want to share their latest obsession or social drama. Respond to their bids for affection and connection—these small moments are key to building a strong, lasting bond. Whether it is a quiet car ride to school or tucking them in at night, these interactions are priceless. Yes, one day you will look back and miss them. Investing time in these connections now will not only strengthen your relationship but also make it easier to reconnect and repair when conflict arises down the road.
The Basic Steps to Repair
Step 1: Authentically own your mistakes.
Make a simple, short, clear statement that takes ownership of your part.
“I am sorry. I do not like how that interaction went. I lost my cool, and yelling at you about (insert topic) was not appropriate. I can do better. I love you.”
Step 2: Explain what led to the behavior.
“I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m feeling exhausted and easily irritated.”
Step 3: Individualize your message to the child.
What is their age and developmental stage?
Use developmentally appropriate language to convey your message.
Additional Tips for Reducing Conflict
Practice mindfulness.
Bring awareness to your emotional state (noticing how you feel in different situations with your child) and name your feelings aloud to model this skill.
Identify your triggers.
Knowing what really bothers you will help you anticipate high-risk situations and patterns that often lead to conflict.
Reflect on your own upbringing.
What is your personal history with conflict? How did your family resolve—or avoid—it? Are you repeating patterns that no longer serve you?
Learn how to pause a heated conversation.
If tension is rising and either you or your child is about to lose control, hit pause. Try: “I feel like we are both getting pretty worked up. We need to take a break and revisit this a little later.” Or collaborate with your child to choose a funny pause word like “Stink Bug” to diffuse tension with humor.
Seek expert help if you need it.
There may be interpersonal or situational factors—like developmental disabilities, mental health concerns, finances, or living circumstances—that increase stress in your family. A trained therapist can help you manage these challenges with support, education, and tailored strategies.
As a therapist, I support parents in learning how to navigate these challenging moments, rebuild trust, and foster deeper connection with their children. If you are struggling with recurring conflict, emotional outbursts, or feeling unsure about how to repair, you are not alone—and help is available. I offer parent coaching and family therapy tailored to your unique needs and goals.
Making the choice to educate yourself is a win. Give yourself a high five for taking time to learn more about improving your relationship with your child. And remember: the next time you lose it as a parent, practice self-compassion. You now know that a misstep does not mean failure—it is an opportunity to reconnect, rebuild, and grow.
Reference:
TED. (2023, September 14). The single most important parenting strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpPtdk9r