Family Systems and Parenting
A Family as a System
A family is a system, which means everyone’s actions affect everyone else. When one person is stressed or acting out, it influences how the whole family communicates and responds. Over time, families develop patterns—ways of handling stress, conflict, rules, and emotions. Some of these patterns are healthy and balanced, while others can create tension or keep the family stuck.
Why This Matters for Therapy
Children (teen)’s challenges don’t happen in isolation—they happen within the family system. A child’s struggles often reflect stress or patterns in the whole family, not just the child or teen alone. That’s why, when a child is in therapy, it’s important to look at the family system and sometimes involve parents in the process. By working together, families can create lasting change.
Parents’ Role in the Family System
Leaders & Guides
- Parents set the tone for the household.
- They provide safety, structure, and boundaries while also modeling how to communicate, handle stress, and solve problems.
Emotional Regulators
- Kids take cues from their parents—they are little sponges who pick up on and often absorb their parents’ moods.
- If parents stay calm and consistent, children feel secure.
- If parents are anxious, reactive, or inconsistent, kids often become more anxious or defiant.
Boundary Keepers
- Parents decide what the rules are, how consequences work, and how family members treat each other.
- Healthy boundaries protect both the parents’ relationship and the children’s development.
Why Parents Need to Be Aligned
- Consistency builds security: When both parents send the same message, children know what to expect and feel safer.
- Strengthens respect: When parents back each other up, kids learn to respect both equally.
- Models teamwork: Children see that disagreements can be worked out respectfully behind the scenes.
What Happens When Parents Aren’t Aligned
- Mixed Messages: One parent is strict, the other is lenient → the child learns to go to the “easier” parent.
- Triangulation: The child ends up in the middle, becoming the focus of conflict between parents.
- Escalation: The “stricter” parent may get louder or harsher to compensate, while the “lenient” parent may back off even more.
- Undermined Authority: The child stops taking rules seriously if they know they can get around them.
- Strained Relationships: Parent-to-parent conflict increases, and the child feels less secure.
Parent Discussion Exercise
- How are parenting decisions made in your family?
- How are they relayed to the children?
- Are you aligned in your approach to parenting? Do you both respond in the same way consistently?
- Do you have an authoritative (firm and fair) or authoritarian (because I said so) parenting approach? *
- Do you have a mechanism for checking in with each other regularly to discuss what is going on in your system and how you want to approach it?
Authoritative parenting has been defined as the preferred approach—high control and high warmth. Parents set clear rules and boundaries, but also explain the reasons behind them.
Homework
Define one parenting rule that you are aligned on and be consistent about discussing and following through with consequences with your children. Be warm, kind, and empathetic while remaining consistent and calm about the limits you are setting.