Author: msream153028

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Understanding Anger Triggers in Children and Teens With ADHD

Anger is the emotion that shows up on the surface, but often there is a more vulnerable feeling underneath—especially for children and adolescents with ADHD. When we slow down and look more closely, anger becomes a helpful signal. It shows us what matters, what feels threatening, and what needs support or attention.

Kids with ADHD often experience emotions intensely and quickly. They may not have the language or regulation skills to explain what’s happening inside, which means anger becomes the “cover” emotion. Understanding the feelings beneath the anger allows parents to support their child more effectively.

If you’d like more ideas for strengthening trust and connection after emotional or behavioral conflict, you may also be interested in Repair and Reconnect: Strengthening Your Parent-Child Relationship Through Conflict.

Common Primary Emotions Underlying Anger in Kids & Teens With ADHD

Frustration

Tasks feel harder, start–stop skills are weak, and they hit mental “roadblocks” quickly.

Shame

Frequent corrections and comparisons lead them to feel “not good enough” almost instantly.

Anxiety / Fear

Uncertainty, transitions, and fear of getting in trouble activate a fast threat response.

Overwhelm

Too many steps, too much stimulation, or too much demand overloads their system.

Hurt

Sensitive to tone and peer interactions, they feel wounded easily but can’t express it directly.

Embarrassment

Public mistakes or attention feel intolerable, so they cover it with irritation.

Disappointment

They become attached to plans or expectations and struggle to shift gears when things change.

Sensory Distress

Noise, brightness, hunger, fatigue, or discomfort create immediate irritability.

Loneliness

Feeling different, rejected, or left out turns into defensiveness or snappiness.

If transitions tend to trigger meltdowns, this post may help: Warm, Consistent Boundaries for Parents of Elementary-Aged Children with ADHD.

Why an Anger Trigger List Helps Kids With ADHD

Creating an anger trigger list with your child isn’t about labeling behavior—it’s about building understanding, connection, and emotional insight.

1. It Shows What’s Underneath the Anger

Recognizing the deeper emotion helps you respond to the real need, not just the outburst.

2. It Helps You Name Emotions Your Child Can’t Yet Identify

Kids with ADHD often feel emotions before they can explain them.
Gently labeling what you see (“This seems frustrating” or “This looks overwhelming”) helps them calm faster and builds emotional vocabulary.

3. It Helps You Choose the Right Support in the Moment

Different emotions require different responses. For example:

  • Frustration → break the task into simpler steps
  • Overwhelm → reduce demands or stimuli
  • Embarrassment → protect dignity
  • Fear → provide clarity and reassurance

If schoolwork or homework often triggers anger or overwhelm, check out How to Help Elementary-Aged Children Engage in Homework (Especially Neurodiverse Kids) for practical support ideas.

4. It Guides Healthier Coping Strategies

Matching tools to the underlying feeling builds long-term emotional resilience and reduces meltdowns.

5. It Creates a Shared Language for Your Family

You, your child, and your therapist can use the same terms, recognize patterns, and track progress over time.

How This Helps With ADHD Big Emotions

Children with ADHD are often navigating:

  • fast-moving emotions
  • sensory sensitivity
  • difficulty with transitions
  • a constant sense of “catching up”
  • shame from frequent correction
  • social challenges or rejection sensitivity

If family dynamics or communication between parents and teens are a challenge, these may help:

When anger is better understood, the home environment becomes calmer, more predictable, and less reactive. Your child feels seen rather than judged, and you gain confidence in how to help them regulate their big feelings.

If You’re a Parent Looking for Support (Austin, TX)

I work with children, teens, and families in Austin who struggle with anger, emotional overwhelm, ADHD, and big feelings. I offer in person in Austin and Telehealth sessions within Texas. If you’d like support helping your child understand their emotions, build coping skills, or reduce meltdowns, I’m here to help. Visit my home page or contact page on meganream.com.

You’re not alone—big emotions are hard for kids, but they become easier when we understand what’s underneath.#ADHD #EmotionalRegulation #ChildAnger #TeenAnger #ParentingStrategies #ADHDStrategies #ChildTherapy #BigEmotions #TantrumsandMeltdowns #ChildBehavior

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How to Help Elementary-Aged Children Engage in Homework (Especially Neurodiverse Kids)

By Megan Squibb Ream, LMSW

Homework can be a daily battle for many families—especially for kids with ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, anxiety, or big emotions after a long school day. The truth is that most elementary-aged children are still developing attention, frustration tolerance, and executive functioning. Homework requires all three.

To make after-school time smoother, I recommend using the three pillars.

1. Structure = Predictability

Kids do better when they know exactly what comes next. A simple routine reduces resistance and helps their nervous system settle.

2. Scaffolding = Support

Scaffolding means giving the right amount of help:

  • short, clear instructions
  • breaking tasks into bite-sized pieces
  • teacher accommodations when appropriate
  • staying nearby (co-regulation matters!)

This isn’t “doing it for them”—it’s making the task doable.

3. Collaboration + Choices

Choice increases buy-in and decreases power struggles.
Examples:

  • “Start with reading or math?”
  • “Timer for 1 minute or 5 minutes?”
  • “Break inside or outside?”

Practical Homework Tips

  • Work in 10–15 minute blocks with movement/play breaks.
  • Use visual timers (sand timers, kitchen timers).
  • Praise any effort in the right direction.
  • Use visual aids, checklists, or a wall schedule.
  • Expect short work times, not long stretches.
  • Keep the total workload under 20–30 minutes when possible.

Visual aids work incredibly well for children—especially neurodiverse children and neurodiverse parents.

Creating a Weekly Routine That Works

Before building a schedule, list all after-school activities (sports, therapy, clubs). This helps create a predictable rhythm.

After School:

All kids need a brain break and snack for at least 10 minutes when they get home. This is not optional—it’s regulation.

On Sports Days

Sports count as movement, sensory regulation, and emotional release.
After practice:

  • Do a 5–10 minute “micro-homework” block if needed.
  • Keep expectations extremely light.

On Non-Sports Days

  1. Home + snack + 10-minute decompression
  2. 5–10 minutes of movement (catch, trampoline, running, dancing)
  3. 10-minute homework block
  4. 10-minute play break
  5. Optional second 10-minute block
  6. Free play → dinner → bedtime

Kids need consistent sleep to regulate emotions. Talk to your pediatrician if sleep is challenging.

Using a Visual Schedule

Create a simple Monday–Friday chart with predictable blocks:

  • Brain break + snack
  • Practice / Therapy / Move body
  • Homework block (10 minutes)
  • Play break
  • Optional second homework block
  • Free play
  • Dinner
  • Bedtime routine

Let your child help you make this. Coloring or doodling together gives them ownership and increases follow-through.

Tips for Smoother Evenings

  • Offer choices whenever possible.
  • Use warm, consistent limits (see my blog post on warm boundaries).
  • Validate feelings:
    “Homework is boring. I get it. I’m right here to help you.”
  • Praise small wins:
    starting, trying, asking questions, following a direction, or stopping early without a meltdown.
  • Stay calm and model taking breaks:
    “I’m feeling worked up. I’m going to take a quick pause and come back.”

When you regulate, their nervous system regulates.

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Planned Blog Topics

Here is a list of topics currently in the works! Please feel free to send me a brief email with any feedback or topics you would like to see on this blog—I would love to hear from you.

  • Adolescent developmental differences in gifted and twice-exceptional (2e) children
  • Strengths of neurodiversity
  • Understanding how the neurodiverse brain is wired
  • Parenting strengths, challenges, and resources when both you and your child are neurodiverse
  • Supporting a child with anxiety
  • The benefits of play therapy
  • Non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI)
  • Helping Your Young Adult Launch
  • My favorite books on topics such as parenting a child with ADHD, adult ADHD, anxiety, talking to teens, talking to younger kids, positive parenting, parenting a child with big emotions, gifted and twice-exceptional (2e) children, executive functioning, and more
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Parent Tutorial: Learning PRIDE Skills for CDI in PCIT

What is PRIDE in PCIT?

PRIDE is an acronym for a set of parenting skills used during Child-Directed Interaction (CDI), a core part of Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). These skills help strengthen the parent-child relationship, increase positive behaviors, and reduce disruptive behaviors through play.

The CDI portion of PCIT is designed to foster a strong attachment between the parent and child. When a child receives consistent, daily, highly focused, positive attention from their parent(s) they feel more grounded, safe, and secure and thus less likely to act out to seek attention. It is very important that both parents do CDI with the child whenever possible. 

The PRIDE Skills

P – Praise

  • Give labeled praise: Name the positive behavior.
  • Example: “I love how you’re stacking those blocks so carefully!”
  • Why: Builds self-esteem and encourages good behavior.

R – Reflection

  • Repeat or paraphrase what your child says.
  • Example: Child says, “I made a castle!” You say, “You made a castle!”
  • Why: Shows you’re listening and promotes communication.

I – Imitation

  • Copy your child’s play in a positive way.
  • Example: If they draw a star, you draw one too.
  • Why: Shows approval and strengthens connection.

D – Description

  • Describe your child’s actions out loud.
  • Example: “You’re coloring the sky blue.”
  • Why: Increases focus and builds vocabulary.

E – Enjoyment

  • Show enthusiasm, smile, and have fun!
  • Example: Laughing, clapping, using a warm voice.
  • Why: Creates positive experiences and bonding.

Goals of PRIDE Skills

  • Deepen the parent-child bond
  • Support self-regulation and communication
  • Reinforce positive behavior

What to Avoid During CDI

  • Commands: “Put that here.”
  • Questions: “What’s that?”
  • Criticism: “Don’t do it like that.”

Focus only on following your child’s lead and using PRIDE skills for 5 minutes a day of special playtime. When you ask questions and/or give commands, shift the control more to the parent rather than letting the child lead the way. It also increases the likelihood of conflict. 

Example of PRIDE in Action

Child: “Look, I’m building a rocket!”

  • Reflection: “You’re building a rocket!”
  • Imitation: Builds a rocket beside the child
  • Description: “You put the triangle on top.”
  • Praise: “You’re doing such a careful job!”
  • Enjoyment: Smile, lean in, use a warm voice

Recommended Videos to Watch

Go to Youtube and type in “PCIT videos”

Suggested Toy Categories:

  • Pretend Play
  • Construction &Building
  • Creating
  • Figures
  • Sorting toys

Avoid: 

Electronics or screens
Board games or competitive games
Toys with one “right” way to use them
Loud, overstimulating toys
Anything too advanced or frustrating

Tips for Daily Practice

Set a timer for 5 minutes

Let your child choose the activity from the list of approved types of toys

Focus entirely on using PRIDE skills

Avoid commands, questions, and criticisms during CDI

Consider picking a time you can be consistent with.

Your Daily Challenge:

  • ☑ Praise at least 5 times
  • ☑ Reflect at least 5 statements
  • ☑ Imitate your child’s play once
  • ☑ Describe at least 5 actions
  • ☑ Show enjoyment throughout

Practicing PRIDE consistently leads to big results in improving cooperation, attention, and your overall relationship with your child. Start small and keep it playful!

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Warm, Consistent Boundaries: For Parents of Elementary-Aged Children With ADHD

Warm and consistent boundaries are one of the most helpful tools for supporting an ADHD brain. They create predictability, reduce emotional overwhelm, and help children feel safe even when they are upset. Below are positive and effective parenting strategies for holding boundaries that align with how ADHD works.  

Use Short, Clear Statements 

ADHD kids do not do well with long explanations. They get overwhelmed, tune out, or push back harder. 

Examples: 

“That’s not available right now.”
“You can choose this or this.”
“We’re moving on.”
“I know you are disappointed. The answer is still no.” 

Tone Matters  

When your voice stays calm and steady, your child feels safer-even if they do not look like it!   
When you are out of control, they are more likely to feel out of control. Pause before you speak and set an intention of proceeding calmly and deliberately. You do not need to be perfect. The more you practice, the easier it gets. 

Offer Choices  

ADHD brains crave agency.
Choices reduce resistance while allowing you to hold the limit. 

“You can brush your teeth now or after your story.”
“You can start homework at the table or on the floor.”
“You can walk to the car, or I can hold your hand.” 

Boundaries with choices = cooperation. 

Expect Pushback  

Children with ADHD often react strongly to limits.  
This is because of: 

• impulsivity
• difficulty shifting attention
• low frustration tolerance
• emotional intensity 

Pushback does not mean your child is trying to be difficult — it means the boundary is hard for their brain at that moment. It is developmental, not defiant. Your job at that moment is not to convince, argue, or explain. Your job is to stay steady now and support later with skill development.  

Avoid Over-Explaining 

More words usually mean more conflict. 

Set the limit once.
Repeat it calmly once needed.
Do not elaborate, defend, or justify. 

“I understand. The boundary stays the same.” 

Short and steady works best. 

Use Structure to Reduce Stress 

ADHD brains thrive on predictability. They feel calmer when the world feels organized. 

Consistent routines for:
• mornings
• homework
• screen time
• meals
• bedtime
• transitions 

Structure makes boundaries easier to accept because expectations stay the same. 

Support Transitions 

ADHD brains often have difficulty with transitions. It is hard to stop something fun and even harder to start something of low interest.  

Help by using:
• advance warnings
• 5-minute and 1-minute time. 
• visual timers and schedules.  

Predictability reduces meltdowns. 

Validate Feelings and Hold the Limit 

Validation is not giving in. It makes them feel seen and heard.  

“I know you really wanted to keep playing.”
“It is okay to feel upset. This is hard.”
“That was really disappointing.” 

Kids accept boundaries more easily when they feel understood. 

Pause if Needed 

If you feel frustration building, take a short break and circle back: 

“I need a quick break. I will come back, and we will figure this out.” 

This protects the relationship and models healthy regulation.
Your pause can prevent a full family meltdown. 

Follow Through Gently 

Boundaries need to be consistent to be effective, not harsh 

“We’re moving on now.”
“We’ll try again later.” 

Children with ADHD feel safest when parents are predictable and calm rather than harsh and intense. 

Repair  

Every parent loses their cool sometimes. Repair is extremely effective. 

Go back and check in later when you are calm: 

“I did not like how I reacted. Let us restart.”
“I got too frustrated. I am working on staying calm too.” 

Repair strengthens trust, teaches emotional responsibility, and helps ADHD kids learn how to manage conflict in healthy ways. 

Remember the Big Picture 

Your child is not giving you a hard time — they are having a tough time. 

Warm, steady boundaries build: 

• self-regulation
• self-worth
• flexibility
• resilience
• trust
• long-term cooperation 

#Childboundaries #WarmConsistentLimits #ADHDParenting #ParentingRulesADHD #ADHDStructure #LimitsandPredictability

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Parent-Teen Communication Tips

The teen years bring a significant shift in the parent–child relationship. As teens begin asserting more independence, even the most caring support can be met with a glare. You want to stay connected and offer guidance, but when you approach things the way you used to, it’s often met with conflict or shut-down. What once worked may now feel intrusive or controlling to your teen.

Learning how to stay connected while also beginning to let go is one of the greatest parenting challenges of the teen years. Here are some simple, effective ways to build trust, encourage independence, and stay meaningfully engaged in your teen’s life.

1. Talk Less, Listen More

Pay attention to what your teen chooses to share—even the small stuff. These are bids for connection and signs that your child still needs you. When you focus on listening and validating rather than jumping in with corrections or advice, your teen is more likely to feel heard and respected—and come to you again in the future.

Try saying:

  • “I’m really glad you shared this with me.”
  • “I can understand why you’d feel that way.”

Being present, interested, and supportive says, “You matter and I believe in you.”

2. Ask, Don’t Tell

Teens are more open when they feel like they have a voice. If you are dying to impart your wisdom, start by getting curious about their perspective rather than launching into a tutorial.

Instead of:

  • “You need to do it this way.”

Try:

  • “What do you think would help in this situation?”
  • “How do you want to handle this?”

This approach builds confidence and encourages collaboration.

3. Support Without Pressure

Teens still need you—but respond best when they feel like they have agency in the process. Let them know you are there while allowing them to define what support looks like. This way, they can learn from experience with the comfort of knowing you are there for backup.

Try phrases like:

  • “Would you prefer to vent or are you looking for advice?”
  • “I’m here if you need anything—just let me know.”

This approach encourages independence and fosters trust.

4. Resist Making Assumptions

Many teens are working hard internally—even when it doesn’t show on the outside. What might look like laziness or withdrawal can actually be signs of:

  • Overwhelm
  • Overstimulation
  • Exhaustion
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Low confidence

Try a low-pressure check-in:

  • “What have you been thinking about lately?”

This approach gives them the space to share without feeling forced.

5. Give Them Space

Even when you mean well, giving constant advice can backfire. It may unintentionally send the message:

  • “I don’t think you can figure this out on your own.”
  • “My way is better than yours.”

Wait for your teen to ask—or ask if they want your input first.

This creates a safe and non-judgmental home environment.

6. Prioritize Connection Over Control

Stepping back and allowing your teen to struggle and fail can be difficult. However, allowing them to do this now, before leaving home, with you as a buffer, helps them build skills for independence. Trying to regain control through constant correction or questioning often leads to conflict and less influence. The more you push, the more they pull away.

This approach encourages:

  • Focusing on staying emotionally connected
  • Adapting through collaboration, not control
  • Prioritizing the relationship over compliance or achievement

7. Be Their Inner Voice

Your words matter. Over time, they shape your teen’s inner dialogue. Don’t forget to notice and appreciate all the things they are doing well. They need this more than you know. Praise their effort, commitment, and kindness rather than accomplishments.

Examples:

  • “I noticed how kind you were with your sister today.”
  • “You’ve been managing your schedule more independently—I see how hard you’re working.”

Positive reinforcement builds resilience, self-worth, positive self-talk, and self-esteem. It gives your child the comfort of knowing that you love them just the way they are.

Final Thought

Parenting a teen doesn’t mean fixing everything. It means showing up, staying curious, and creating the kind of emotional safety that lets your teen grow with confidence. Stay close. Listen more. Trust their process.

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About the Author

I write from the real, lived experience of someone who has done — and continues to do — the work to understand and grow as a person, parent, and counselor. As a Licensed Master Social Worker in private practice, I work with children, teens, young adults, and specialize in supporting neurodiverse individuals, parents, and anyone who feels stuck or overwhelmed.

My path to this work began with my own counseling for anxiety as a teen, and as a young adult while I worked to be more independent as a PA in healthcare. In my thirties, my counseling led to an ADHD diagnosis, bringing clarity and a better understanding of myself. I am grateful that it also helped me navigate the ups and downs of parenting two incredible kids — including one highly gifted and mildly autistic child. Through this journey of self-reflection, I’ve come to see that understanding yourself, finding a community that gets you, and finding your voice are essential for building the life you want.

Writing has been both cathartic and comforting for me — a way to process fear, uncertainty, and times of feeling stuck, especially as a parent. It’s also one of the ways I hope to “pay it forward” by offering encouragement, insight, and connection to others who need to know that someone truly gets it.

At heart, I’m a creative and a little silly — with a fierce love for all who have ever felt different or unseen, full of ideas and still learning how to best share their stories. I carry a passion for the outdoors and for finding joy in simple, authentic connections. I hope my writing connects with you.

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Parent and Teen Conflict

An Intro to Understanding Teen Behavior and How Parents Can Shift the Dynamic

1. Testing Limits is Healthy

  • Teens are supposed to push back—it’s how they practice independence and decision-making.
  • If your child never argues, it might mean they are too afraid to use their voice.
  • Rebellion (within reason) = growth, not failure.
  • The strength in this stage is that learning to push back (within limits) helps teens develop important life skills: independence, assertive communication, and self-advocacy.
  • Learning to navigate conflict with you in healthy ways allows them to do so in their future relationships.

2. Why the Outbursts Happen

  • When a teen blurts out something like “You’re ruining my life!”, they don’t literally mean it.
  • The adolescent brain is wired for impulsivity—emotions often come out before calm thinking.
  • Teens have not yet fully learned how to regulate their emotions. This ability comes with time, experience, and brain development—and not every teen follows the same timeline. Each young person develops emotional regulation at their own pace.
  • What your teen is really saying: “I feel dismissed. I want my opinion to matter.”

3. All Behavior is a Message

  • Lying, snapping, or withdrawing are often signals of deeper needs.
  • Ask yourself: “What is my teen trying to tell me?” (common answers: “I want trust” or “I want to be heard.”)
  • Responding to the message underneath is more effective than only punishing the surface behavior.

4. Check Your Own Thermometer Before Engaging

  • If you are feeling calm (or reasonably calm), proceed with the discussion.
  • If you are having trouble regulating your own emotions (feeling very anxious, angry, or hurt), it is best to acknowledge that and pause. Commit to coming back to the discussion when you are more ready.
  • It is ok and even beneficial to model pausing to self-regulate for your child.
  • Likewise, if the discussion is becoming increasingly heated for either of you, it is ok to suggest a time out. You can even come up with an easy code word to help.
  • Remember—sometimes you will lose your cool, and that is not the end of the world. Go back, acknowledge and own what happened, and repair with your child. Repair has been shown to be a very important and healthy part of developing conflict resolution skills.

5. How to Respond When Ready: Empathy First, Rule Second

  • Use this sequence: Acknowledge → Empathize → Set the Rule.
  • This helps your teen feel respected—even when the rule doesn’t change.

Example:
 “Thanks for sharing this with me. I know it feels unfair to only have one passenger. I hear how much you want more freedom. Our rule for now is one passenger, because safety matters most.”

6. Tone and Empathy Matter

  • How you respond is just as important as the words you choose. Saying “I understand” in a flat or calm voice isn’t always enough.
  • Teens feel understood when your tone matches their emotion.
  • If they are mad, convey that you understand and empathize by meeting them with firm, matching energy—without escalating or overdoing it. This shows you get their frustration while staying calm and steady.
  • If they are sad, soften your tone so it conveys compassion and care.
  • The goal isn’t to mirror their intensity, but to show enough alignment that they feel: “My parent(s) really get how I’m feeling.”

7. Sample Scripts for Common Outbursts

  • “You’re ruining my life!”
     → “You’re really frustrated right now. I get that this feels unfair. The rule stays the same, but I hear you.”
  • “You don’t care about me.”
     → “I do care. I may not always agree with what you want, but I want to understand what matters to you.”
  • “Everyone else’s parents let them!”
     → “I hear that it feels different for you. Our family rules may not be the same, but they come from wanting you safe.”

8. When Your Teen Pulls Away

It’s normal for teens to sometimes be irritable or not in the mood to talk. Respecting this space while still showing love is powerful.

Example Script:
 “I’m just checking in. I’m not sure, but it seems like you need some alone time. You know I’m always here if you need me, and I’ll check in with you again soon. I love you.”

This communicates care, respect for their boundaries, and ongoing availability—all of which strengthen trust.

9. How to Connect: Shared Time on Their Terms

  • Spend regular, distraction-free time with your teen where they choose the activity or topic.Turn off your phone and be present!
  • Resist correcting, coaching, or suggesting—this is about connection, not improvement.
  • Lean into their bids for affection. If they want to talk about their favorite game, music, or friends—pay attention! This is your buy-in.
  • The more you show interest in what matters to them, the more connected they feel—and the more likely they are to open up about the hard stuff too.

10. Pump up the Positive: The Value of Praise and Affirmation

  • Teens need to hear that they are valued, loved, and accepted just as they are.
  • Praise specific efforts and qualities (kindness, perseverance, creativity)—not just achievements.
  • Affirmation builds self-esteem and encourages healthy risk-taking and resilience.

11. Remember Every Child is Different

  • Some children thrive with deep focus and achievement-oriented activities.
  • Others prefer a broader range of interests and flexibility, or they are still exploring and figuring it out on their own timeline.
  • Both approaches are healthy—what matters is that your child feels supported in being themselves.

 Key Takeaways

  • Rules + empathy = respect and cooperation.
  • Tone and energy matter—when your teen feels you get their feelings, they are more likely to calm down and stay connected.
  • Shared time on their terms, praise, and interest in their world strengthen your teen’s sense of being valued and loved.
  • Healthy pushback is not only normal—it’s a practice ground for independence, assertive communication, and self-advocacy.
  • Emotional regulation develops over time. Every teen is on their own timeline, and patience, empathy, and guidance help them grow into it.
  • Model what you want to see more of. Practice what you want to teach your children, they are always watching. 

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Understanding Family Systems

Family Systems and Parenting

A Family as a System

A family is a system, which means everyone’s actions affect everyone else. When one person is stressed or acting out, it influences how the whole family communicates and responds. Over time, families develop patterns—ways of handling stress, conflict, rules, and emotions. Some of these patterns are healthy and balanced, while others can create tension or keep the family stuck.

Why This Matters for Therapy

Children (teen)’s challenges don’t happen in isolation—they happen within the family system. A child’s struggles often reflect stress or patterns in the whole family, not just the child or teen alone. That’s why, when a child is in therapy, it’s important to look at the family system and sometimes involve parents in the process. By working together, families can create lasting change.

Parents’ Role in the Family System

Leaders & Guides

  • Parents set the tone for the household.
  • They provide safety, structure, and boundaries while also modeling how to communicate, handle stress, and solve problems.

Emotional Regulators

  • Kids take cues from their parents—they are little sponges who pick up on and often absorb their parents’ moods.
  • If parents stay calm and consistent, children feel secure.
  • If parents are anxious, reactive, or inconsistent, kids often become more anxious or defiant.

Boundary Keepers

  • Parents decide what the rules are, how consequences work, and how family members treat each other.
  • Healthy boundaries protect both the parents’ relationship and the children’s development.

Why Parents Need to Be Aligned

  • Consistency builds security: When both parents send the same message, children know what to expect and feel safer.
  • Strengthens respect: When parents back each other up, kids learn to respect both equally.
  • Models teamwork: Children see that disagreements can be worked out respectfully behind the scenes.

What Happens When Parents Aren’t Aligned

  • Mixed Messages: One parent is strict, the other is lenient → the child learns to go to the “easier” parent.
  • Triangulation: The child ends up in the middle, becoming the focus of conflict between parents.
  • Escalation: The “stricter” parent may get louder or harsher to compensate, while the “lenient” parent may back off even more.
  • Undermined Authority: The child stops taking rules seriously if they know they can get around them.
  • Strained Relationships: Parent-to-parent conflict increases, and the child feels less secure.

Parent Discussion Exercise

  • How are parenting decisions made in your family?
  • How are they relayed to the children?
  • Are you aligned in your approach to parenting? Do you both respond in the same way consistently?
  • Do you have an authoritative (firm and fair) or authoritarian (because I said so) parenting approach? *
  • Do you have a mechanism for checking in with each other regularly to discuss what is going on in your system and how you want to approach it?

Authoritative parenting has been defined as the preferred approach—high control and high warmth. Parents set clear rules and boundaries, but also explain the reasons behind them.

Homework

Define one parenting rule that you are aligned on and be consistent about discussing and following through with consequences with your children. Be warm, kind, and empathetic while remaining consistent and calm about the limits you are setting.

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Repair and Reconnect: Strengthening Your Parent-Child Relationship Through Conflict 

By Megan Squibb Ream, LMSW 

11/15/2024 

What kind of relationship do you want with your child?  

Parenting is hard. Even with the best intentions, we all have moments we wish we could do over—especially when our child is upset, dysregulated, or when we are not at our best. If you have ever walked away from an argument thinking, “That didn’t go how I wanted,” you are not alone. Conflict is part of every close relationship, and it does not mean you are failing—it means you are human. What matters most is not being perfect but knowing how to repair. In fact, research tells us that making mistakes—and then repairing them—can deepen connection and build resilience in your child. 

The ability to repair and reconnect is a critical part of building a secure attachment, which serves as a powerful protective factor in your child’s emotional and relational development. Attachment theory tells us that children who are securely attached to their parents experience fewer internalizing (i.e., depression and anxiety) and externalizing behaviors (i.e., acting out), have higher self-esteem, perform better at school and work, and engage in less substance use. Securely attached kids have a better chance of going on to thrive individually and in their future relationships. There is an overwhelming amount of data on this topic, and it is hard to dispute. 

While having a compliant child can feel easier in the moment, what matters most in the long run is true connection—one where they feel excited to tell you the good stuff and trust you enough to be honest about the hard stuff. They make time to call you, share their hopes and dreams, and look to you for advice. Even after they become independent, they prioritize spending time with you because you matter to them a lot. 

Parents who learn to go back and repair or accept their role in conflict can create profound positive effects on their child’s emotional growth and development. Parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and author of Good Inside, tells us that repair is the single most critical parenting skill. Why? Parent-child conflict often results in negative messages to a child about how you see them (such as “bad” or “unlovable”), and left unchecked, those messages can be internalized as true—potentially leading to poor self-esteem. In the wake of conflict, if you take responsibility and verbally acknowledge the reality of their experience, you are sending a clear message that a mistake was made, their needs are important, and you see them as a priority. You can help replace their negative internal dialogue with a positive one. 

In a secure relationship, the act of repair leads to a physiologic cascade of happy chemicals that increase positive feelings in your child, helping to build trust, connection, and deeper attachment. Despite the stress often involved in these moments, choosing to model healthy conflict resolution teaches your child that difficulty can be worked through—and overcome. Over time, they will learn to trust that this process will consistently occur, feel less stressed when conflicts arise, and practice healthy conflict resolution skills themselves. 

This is your reminder to prioritize being present and available for your kids. Put down your phone and really listen when they want to share their latest obsession or social drama. Respond to their bids for affection and connection—these small moments are key to building a strong, lasting bond. Whether it is a quiet car ride to school or tucking them in at night, these interactions are priceless. Yes, one day you will look back and miss them. Investing time in these connections now will not only strengthen your relationship but also make it easier to reconnect and repair when conflict arises down the road. 

The Basic Steps to Repair 

Step 1: Authentically own your mistakes. 
Make a simple, short, clear statement that takes ownership of your part. 
“I am sorry. I do not like how that interaction went. I lost my cool, and yelling at you about (insert topic) was not appropriate. I can do better. I love you.” 

Step 2: Explain what led to the behavior. 
“I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m feeling exhausted and easily irritated.” 

Step 3: Individualize your message to the child. 
What is their age and developmental stage? 
Use developmentally appropriate language to convey your message. 

Additional Tips for Reducing Conflict 

Practice mindfulness. 
Bring awareness to your emotional state (noticing how you feel in different situations with your child) and name your feelings aloud to model this skill. 

Identify your triggers. 
Knowing what really bothers you will help you anticipate high-risk situations and patterns that often lead to conflict. 

Reflect on your own upbringing. 
What is your personal history with conflict? How did your family resolve—or avoid—it? Are you repeating patterns that no longer serve you? 

Learn how to pause a heated conversation. 
If tension is rising and either you or your child is about to lose control, hit pause. Try: “I feel like we are both getting pretty worked up. We need to take a break and revisit this a little later.” Or collaborate with your child to choose a funny pause word like “Stink Bug” to diffuse tension with humor. 

Seek expert help if you need it. 
There may be interpersonal or situational factors—like developmental disabilities, mental health concerns, finances, or living circumstances—that increase stress in your family. A trained therapist can help you manage these challenges with support, education, and tailored strategies. 

As a therapist, I support parents in learning how to navigate these challenging moments, rebuild trust, and foster deeper connection with their children. If you are struggling with recurring conflict, emotional outbursts, or feeling unsure about how to repair, you are not alone—and help is available. I offer parent coaching and family therapy tailored to your unique needs and goals. 

Making the choice to educate yourself is a win. Give yourself a high five for taking time to learn more about improving your relationship with your child. And remember: the next time you lose it as a parent, practice self-compassion. You now know that a misstep does not mean failure—it is an opportunity to reconnect, rebuild, and grow. 

Reference: 
TED. (2023, September 14). The single most important parenting strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpPtdk9r